The Pros and the Cons

I'm a big believer in the notion that men need their own thing. It might be a hobby, like fishing. It might be a sport, like bowling. Men need outlets for their stupidity. Some men have chosen internet porn, and promptly ruined their marriages. Other men have found less destructive ways to express their maleness. Sometimes that means beer, sports, and pool.

This is the coolest thing I have ever seen in my life.

ultimate shed Watch it now on StupidVideos!

So long as we're on the subject of funny videos, here's one that never fails to put a smile on my face.

How Not to Skateboard Watch it now on StupidVideos!

My wife and I were having lunch with a friend of mine named John. After ordering, John excused himself to go to the restroom to wash his hands. He returned to the table laughing.

He said that when he was in there drying his hands, someone came into the mens room, walked over to the urinal, and said, "Hey, you forgot to flush."

John told the man, "I didn't use the urinal, I used the sink."

I would have paid money to see the look on that guy's face.

My standard fake name is “Otho”. My wife, even though she has never visited this blog to my knowledge, knows my standard fake name. If we have ever discussed a standard fake name for her, I do not remember what we decided. I’m thinking “Daffodil”.

My fake name is easy to remember and easy to decode, because it is an anagram of my real name, which is “Thoo”. Many people might guess that it really is an anagram of “Hoot”. However, to those people, I say, “Who would ever name their child “Hoot”?”

When did the public library become a day-care center?

I can't believe how rude our society has become. The other day my wife and I went to the movie theater. Some high-school aged children were there jumping from theater to theater; which seemed odd to me because it's only $1 to get in. But that wasn't even a problem for me. My problem was when they started playing a radio and waving a flashlight around. The only way they could have been more distracting is if they started throwing water balloons and lighting off fireworks. The usher couldn't care less either way.

Here is a call to all higher life forms. I know you're a higher life form if you're reading this blog (ha ha). Take ten seconds and think before you do something rude. (The same rule applies to stupid behavior as well.)

-Maybe it's not a good idea to stand two feet in front of the entrance of a restaurant to enjoy a smoke. Not all of us are that into sharing your cigarette.

-If you see some clown with his turn signal on, get out of his way. Who knows, maybe the drama in his life is worse than you can imagine.

-If you must yap on your phone behind the wheel, at least don't do it in the hammer lane.

-While we're on the subject of hammer-lanes, remember, it's for passing. The DOT didn't put your name on that lane, so remember to share.

A friend of mine suggested that if everyone were required to carry handguns, the world would be a more polite place. Regardless of your feelings on handguns, I hope it doesn't come to that.

Who's a Talking Heads fan? I have a picture of my wife and me with David Byrne hanging over my computer desk.

A lot of bloggers can take the words of this vanguard band to heart. This is from the song "Psycho Killer":

You start a conversation you can't even finish it.
You're talkin' a lot, but you're not sayin' anything.
When I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed.
Say something once, why say it again?

Truly words to live by.

Of course, not everything they ever wrote is pure gold in terms of professing wisdom. How is one supposed to interpret this nugget from "Once in a Lifetime"?

Water dissolving...and water removing
There is water at the bottom of the ocean
Carry the water at the bottom of the ocean
Remove the water at the bottom of the ocean!

What's my point? I have no idea. I forgot what I was talking about. Anyway, here are a couple of jokes:

--Did you hear about the dumb guy who was so proud of himself for finishing a jigsaw puzzle in under six months? It said on the box "Four years and up".

Warning, the next joke appears vulgar, but I assure you it isn't.

--The other day my wife asked me why you can only buy cornish hens. "Why don't they sell cornish cocks?" she asked me. I said "Who's going to eat a cornish cock?"

I've never regretted listening to my wife.

I have this theory; it's almost an axiom by now: Men love to do stupid things. Given that, it is the role of women to keep their husbands from doing stupid things. Here's an example: do you think any of those crazies would have blown themselves up if they were in positive, supportive relationships? People who are happy tend to not blow themselves up. Not deliberately, anyway. If one of those guys had told his wife that he wanted to blow himself up as a political statement or whatever, the conversation would have gone something like this:

Him: "So I'm going to blow myself up, and hopefully take some infidels with me."
Her: "Like hell you are. And why didn't you take out the garbage like I asked?"

No blowing up there.

However, men still want to do stupid things. But their smart wives have helped their mates to engage their "stupid" gene in a way that is less destructive. That is why you see men screaming at sporting events or driving too fast. It's the stupidest behavior in which their wives will allow them to participate.

My mother-in-law has cursed me.

My otherwise thoughtful and caring mother-in-law, who sometimes is the only one who gets me a birthday card, gave me for Christmas a Sudoku puzzle book. This is the book edited by Will Shortz which gives a brief history of how Sudoku was invented right here in Indianapolis by an architect. It also walks you through getting started if you've never played before.

Since then, I've done at least two or three of these puzzles a day. I've advanced to where the "medium" puzzles on Websudoku.com are fairly easy to me.

Is there a support group for people like me?

I remember listening to rap music during its infancy. I remember listening to bands like the Fat Boys, Run DMC, and Public Enemy back when the music was about fun. Artists had stage names like Ice Cube and Ice Tea and Ice Tray. It was ridiculous.

These days I think it's even more ridiculous. Am I the only one that thinks it's silly that they all spell the titles of their albums with Y's in place of I's and Z's in place of S's.

I've come up with a really cool stage name I could use if I ever became a rap musician. Are you ready for this?

Douglass.

What do you think of that?

I love hitting the "next blog" button and surfing blogs, and I've written about some of my observations. While blogs are as unique as the people who write them, I can't help but notice patterns emerging.

For example, I've noticed that the most prolific bloggers seemed to be politically motivated. It makes me wonder about the people who write them. Are they really political in person, and reading their blogs is like being cornered into a conversation with them? Or are they really quiet, not showing their true selves outside the anonymity of cyberspace? It't like they say, "it's always the quiet ones."

I have to admit, I do get annoyed with some of the things I've read. A lot of Christians, (self proclaimed or otherwise), have confused "sharing their faith" with "picking a fight". A lot of his followers forget the fact that the man they are trying to emulate was referred to as the Prince of Peace. I seem to remember a passage in the new testament where Christians are told that they will know other Christians by their love.

As is commonly known, penguins are adorable.

My wife and I, traveling to Patagonia, got the opportunity to see penguins in their natural habitat. It was amazing. They gathered at the shore together. They jumped in the water and went fishing together. They returned with their prizes together, returning to their respective homes within the colony. Then they gathered together again at the shore after feeding their families. It made me think of guys who go to a sports bar after work.

Over Christmas break I got to see the animated movie "Madagascar". The movie was okay; better than Shrek, during which I fell asleep. But the highlight, of course, was any scene in which a penguin appeared. I bought the DVD solely because it had the short "Christmas Caper", featuring the penguins . When we watched them in the movie taking over the bridge of the cargo ship, my wife shrieked, "they're so cute!"

I see there's a sequel to Madagascar scheduled for 2008 and a straight-to-dvd penguins movie due in 2009.

My only question is, why the wait?

It can be shocking how God answers prayers.

My wife has decided to put off grad school. They wanted eight grand for the first semester. Yikes. I told her that I'd like to spend some time with her, since we've both been in school for so long. It would be nice to get re-acquainted. I'm so pleased we're both graduating in May. Me with my RN and her with a BS in Psychology.

With us both working and not going to school, we should have enough money to replace our clunker vehicles we've been coaxing along for the last year.

So, getting back to how God answers prayers. It was Christmas eve, and I hadn't bought presents for my nephews. So I figured I'd just dart into WalMart and pick something up for the boys. Yeah, right.

So I got my things, including some groceries for Christmas day. It was beginning to rain. I went out to my old jalopy and behold, the thing wouldn't start. Not a peep. Not a peep after 10 minutes of turning the key and stomping on the clutch. Not even a desperate clicking noise like you get when you've left your lights on. I even got out and looked under the hood. I opened it up, looked at the engine, or whatever that stuff is under the hood, and figured I had a terminal case on my hands.

I walked back to the store, thinking I'd call my wife so she could pick me up. But on the way back to the store, I prayed a quick prayer. I said "God, you could make that thing run on water if you wanted. Surely you could make it kick at least one more time. And in praying this, I decided to turn around and go back to the truck to give it one more try.

Behold it started immediately. I was overjoyed. And with such a simple thing as turning the key and expecting my vehicle to start, I was blessed with a simple reminder that God always watches over us.

Made my day.

***Update***

It turns out my truck needed a new starter. I still thank God that the vehicle is still running and that I could afford to replace the part. God continues to provide for me and my family.